Dayglo scarecrow

A couple of weeks ago when it was really windy all the high tech bird scarers in one of the fields my train passes got blown over and birds were freely pecking at the seeds. Even though bird scaring technology has moved on from the scarecrow, the new breed still doesn’t seem that effective. These consist of large, highly polished propeller blades that presumably work by reflecting sunlight to catch the bird’s attention.

I spotted an effective and brilliantly simple homemade device that a cyclist had placed on his bike. A small piece of laminated card, about half the area of a business card, green on one side and orange on the other had been attached by string to the rails of the saddle. As he cycled, this flicked in the breeze, drawing attention to him.

I’m a firm believer that with all the visual “noise” in large cities, riding around in dayglo clothing is not that effective. Plus, as soon as you get off the bike you look daft. I heard that people in Scandanavian countries wear small reflectors which dangle from their coats to alert drivers to their presence - which sounds like a great idea, presumably working on a similar principle.

Style over sense

I know it's not new news, but I saw the Chanel bike again on a post that linked to an article in the Telegraph. So Chanel bring out a bike for £6900. This is the same money as you could by two eye-wateringly expensive Condor Diamantes with Campag Record and still have some change for an energy drink - or whatever Diamante owners go for. Alternatively you could buy 12 Bromptons and have change for a whole wardrobe of dayglo jackets - or whatever Brompton owners go for.

I notice that like all highly exclusive (read expensive) products, the Chanel bike is a limited edition. Limited presumably because the manufacturers have to stop work every half an hour with giggling fits over the fact nobody noticed the extra zero they added to the end of the retail price. This is essentially a nicely spec'd £500 roadster with a fancy paint job and two girls handbags attached to the rear rack. Most of the population of Copenhagen ride something similar for 10% of the price tag.

I just don't get why when a fashion house conducts a branding exercise, whatever was the lucky recipient becomes fashionable. Fine if it's Timothy Everest smartening up M&S's suits - they both know something about the rag trade. Or Linda Barker desperately attempting to take the chav out of dfs sofa range (has anyone ever paid full price for one of their sofas?) But Chanel and cycling just don't seem good bedfellows.

Complete the set: astronaut, deep sea diver...

…bike messenger comes next in the list of uninsurable, yet now apparently “cool” professions. So you’re a 25-35 year old metrosexual looking for the next hip thing to sink your disposable income into – well it’s fixed gear cycling. And it’s official, two barometers of what’s up and coming have informed me of this. BBC 2’s Culture Show and trend forecasters (yes such organisations do exist) Future Laboratory both say that cycling’s officially cool.

The Culture Show had a 10-minute piece on alley cat races and followed some footage of a group messengers on a cycling-cider drinking-camping weekender. The theme was one of family, fraternity and f&#k it I like riding bikes. They’d have done it regardless of the Beeb’s camera crew.

Future Laboratory by contrast tells people who used think they were cool what kids (usually) are about to think is cool so that the un-cool people can make money from them. If Future Laboratories say that something’s going to be cool, then sometime, somewhere for someone it will – like palmists however some of the details can be a little vague.

Future Laboratories demographic profiling ranges from the sensible to the sublime: “Generation Jones”, “Rolodex Teens” and my personal favourite “Muffragettes” describing the rebirth of feminism – apparently. According to the blurb, fixed gear bikes are now “the defining fashion accessory for a new tribe of young urbanites” – you wouldn’t hear Madame Zola, your local palm reader utter that phrase.

But wait a minute, do we want cycling to be cool? Surely just making it normal would be better. Anything that gets people on bikes is a good thing, but sustained change comes from desire not diktat. Cool implies it’s fashionable and today’s achingly cool must have is tomorrow’s charity shop staple.

In fashion loose-waisted, generously cut practical dungarees are always going to lose out to skinny, low-rise denim. Because you’ve got to be thin enough to wear it; it’s exclusive. So it’s an obvious extension that fixed gears would become cool over a sensible bike, one with brakes, say.

The fashion industry’s already nibbling at the world of two wheels sleazily pimping it to help it sell more overpriced clothes under the banner of “eco-awareness” and this "all the kids are riding pencil thin retro steel frames with spoke cards" stuff doesn't help.

Heather report

I’m trying to consume less “news” these days. It’s a bit like caffeine, you know it’s not good for you, but just try steering clear of it. A key item (they aren’t called stories anymore in our fact-hungry world) in today’s bulletin was that the case begins for the courts to decide how much of Paul McCartney’s fortune Heather Mills is entitled to. In 1968 Norman Jewison who directed and produced The Thomas Crown Affair described the storyline as a “love affair between two bastards”. I get the same sensation about these two. McCartnety is untouchable pop royalty and Mills, despite her injuries, charity work can’t get people to see her side – McCartney’s gagging order won’t help – there see it’s impossible not to get drawn in.

Most mere mortals couldn’t dream of a list of items that Ms Mills will deem to be essentials. The fact that she’s not able to write a book about her exploits is worth £18m. I doubt though that a bike will be on her must haves list. Yet it was back in the hay day of their relationship that Heather and Paul were “spotted” enjoying a roll along Brighton sea front on a pair of non-descript MTB/hybrid fusions.

A bicycle is the stylist’s shorthand for carefree and I guess that’s the message they wanted to convey. More recently Heather has been out exorcising her demons with her newly appointed bodyguards. Dave Moulton’s excellent blog contains a number of posts that include pictures that really do convey a 1000 words. So does this one, but for all the wrong reasons. The guy on the left clearly hasn’t been on a bike for sometime and hasn’t dressed for the occasion. He's holding the handlebars like their attached to the bus he's about to pull in the "World's Toughest Man" contsts. In the next Home Office initiative to get policemen cycling their local neighbourhood, this is what to expect. The guy on the right is a sort of personal trainer/body guard who probably does most of his cycling on a stationery bike gazing vacantly at MTV or yummy mummies in his local gym.

It turns out that Heather’s quite a keen cyclist and goes out regularly on her bright yellow road bike – not a great idea for someone wanting to avoid the paparazzi. The bike looks like an aluminium Halfords Carerra but it’s hard to tell. Maybe she got a job lot, buying her body guards a bike each too - but not ones that would upstage her's. There are plenty of examples of disabled people who have completed impressive cycling feats, but Heather Mill’s cycling seems to have a certain defiance and anger to it. Not for her the science of heart rate monitors and lycra togs – more a case of “stuff it I’m off for a bike ride” – an attitude true to any cyclist’s heart.

The future's so bright

Have you ever cycled over Tower Bridge and wondered why HMS Belfast isn’t coated in an even hue of grey? The patchwork paint scheme wasn’t a result of WW1 austerity measures, but an intriguing type of camouflage called “dazzle paint”. This was a fascinating collaboration between the US and Royal Navy and artists saw ships repainted in vast cubist patterns. Most were monochrome, but some used colour. The idea wasn’t to make the vessel invisible, always difficult with a 50 foot high funnel pumping out coal smoke. The intention was to make the vessel difficult for the enemy to identify or to ascertain it’s direction.

So, brightly coloured, highly patterned things can be more difficult to process visually. At sea one of the easiest colours to spot is black – I have no academic studies to support this, it’s just my own observation. An interesting thought though when you consider the number of people whose cycling wardrobe contains Dayglo or Hi-Viz clothing to make themselves “easier to see”

Our cities already suffer from a visual overload with shops attempting to grab the attention of the fleeting consumers, road signs informing motorists of everything from and pedestrians respectively. Recent experiments have attempted to demonstrate just how visually chaotic the streets are

Hi Viz jackets are great if you’re working trackside for Network Rail or the motorways for the Highways Agency where you stand out against a palette of largely natural tones. But do they work for cyclists? I’m not so certain There’s something de-humanising about wearing Dayglo – you’re labelled as a “lycra lout” by the press, treated (sometimes subconsciously) with mild contempt by fellow road users. The same argument is used for discarding your helmet, but I haven’t the courage to do that just yet. So how do cyclists make themselves noticed? Better cycling would be one way – awareness, confident riding, observance of the rules of the road, eye contact with drivers, harmony with other road users. A Dayglo vest isn’t a force shield that entitles you to ride like an idiot.

My distrust of Dayglo does not extend to reflective tape which is an incredible invention, up there with the cat’s eye. Many of the country roads near my home are used by joggers and they are unmissable when picked out by car headlights. Insightful designers are starting to incorporate reflective yarns into the stitching and textiles making everyday clothes double as practical bike wear. I bet you’d look pretty cool if you hit the dancefloor too.

Form follows fun

Just when I think I'm going to dry up on the subject of cycling style something comes out of the blue. Today a colleague and fellow cyclist (though we haven't talked about bikes much) told me of some "winged bike clips" he'd seen in a magazine. As every fashionista knows - the secret to looking hip is to accessorise.

Like a geography teacher's leather elbow patches, bicycle clips fall into the "practical but dull" category, along with rain capes and most cycle maintenance equipment. As a general rule there is a lack of embellishment to most people's personal property these days - what's happened to customised car windscreen visors with "Kev" and "Shaz" on them, sew on patches for your jeans and the like? The next evolution for cycling will allow people to express themselves more through their bikes and their cycling attire.

So back to the clips - they have a Mercury Messenger of the Gods (or Hermes if your prefer your Gods Greek) reflective wing on the outside and probably do a good job of preventing your right trouserleg from getting an inprint of your chainring too. They're designed by Dutchman (who else) Gijs Bakker - who was a teacher at Eindhoven Academy, though not a geography teacher. The styling reminded me of Alessi's early to mid-90's stuff, especially the collaborations with Phillipe Stark. Our daughter used to love the toothpaste end that opened to wave hello - in fact it never made it onto a toothpaste tube and is probably now at the bottom of a toybox.

If Asterix wore bike clips, this is what he'd wear.

The Apartment

I watched “The Apartment” again over the weekend and what a film. Today’s Rom-Coms (what an awful description) don’t even come close. You can watch the film on so many levels: for laughs and there are plenty of pithy one-liners, as an insight into human relationships or simply as a love story with a happy ending. It’s a testament to Billy Wilder’s skills that a Christmas Eve suicide attempt can leave you smiling at the end.

All very interesting, but what’s this got to do with cycling style I hear you type? Well don’t be fooled by the Apartment just because Billy Wilder preferred to film in black and white. The world that Jack Lemmon’s C.C. Baxter inhabits is rich in innovation.

• He owns a TV with as many channels as I have and what’s more it has remote control
• He prepares TV dinners
• He has an early equivalent of a personal computer on his desk
• One of bosses uses an electric shaver – at work
• Another boss drives a VW Beetle

and all in 1960, though the film’s set in ’57.

So what’s the newest innovation on your bike that makes a difference? Clipless pedals? Hinault was using them over 20 years ago. STI levers? First professional race used them to win in ’91 according to Bob Roll. Tri-bars? Lemond brought the idea across from tri-athelets to win the ’87 TDF. There's not really been much to get excited about, despite what the cycling magazines tell us.

While The Apartment seems so dated, technological “progress” it depicts can sometimes be overrated. It's happening now with the seduction the gear freak cycling fraternity. It can’t be extended to both sexes – I cannot believe that women get excited over Campagnolo’s new “Ultra Torque” hollow coupling, two piece crankset. But then perhaps I’m being a sexist as C.C. Baxter’s lothario bosses?

Stripes and stars

So after a few distractions, this is the level of fine detail that I want to tackle on Cyclo Style - what logo's your bike got? Most bikes decals and components for that matter look like they've been inspired by Max Power: Trek, Cannondale and Scott are among the worst offenders. In my book if there are some World Championship stripes somewhere on the frame that can only be a good thing. Among the current stable my Ron Cooper, Condor and Benotto all have these simple strips somewhere on the frame. There's something timeless about them that oozes class. That said, they don't make me cycle any faster. Also be warned - don't go getting carried away with those coloured paints either.

I was impressed recently by the Rivendell's attitude (and we are talking attitude, not opinion here) towards frame painting and decals. Revendell's site is more of a manifesto for cycling style that influences everything from the geometry of the frames to the Stanistic emergence of cleated pedals.

A few basic rules

• Don't wear clothing with the logo of your bike on them, better still clothing with no logos at all. Unless of course your multi-million pound annual contract stipulates otherwise and even then professionals should factor in what they'll have to wear when choosing a team. Slipstream team members must be kicking themselves that they didn't negotiate harder - that strip's got to be worth £10k a month before you've even turned a pedal.
• On no account have a go at respraying your bike yourself - I speak from personal experience. Leave frame painting to the pros and spray cans to the taggers
• No neon, Dayglo paint or multi-coloured fades. If the team strip wasn't bad enough this awful Lemond paint job can't have helped Millar's Tour chances.